put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
