Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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