peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
