We're like a lot better than the average bears
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
