So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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