And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
