Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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