Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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