so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm just crazy horny about you
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
