My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
