Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
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alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
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i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I did not marry a roomba.
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