I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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