My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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