yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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