wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
