I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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