Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
