This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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