he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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