It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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