Whod you bang
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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