I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
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And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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