I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
