Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
