sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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