Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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