I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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