I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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