Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
