the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
