Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
