I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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