I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
