I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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