I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Randomize
