It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Bring me that man meat
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
