FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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