That's when you crack a 10am beer
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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