you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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