I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
