you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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