i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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