I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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