Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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