so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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