I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
