How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
that is very illegal...i love you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
