Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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