booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
