I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
