I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
