Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
