he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
