mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You're a waste of cheezeits
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
