I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
pray to the hookup gods
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
